Truth and Lying

TRUTH AND LYING

Christopher Ebbe, Ph.D.   12-10-10

Abstract:  Truth is defined operationally; the degree of distortion and lying that human beings do is described; motives for distorting and lying are outlined; and attitudes and processes for learning more about the truth are listed.

Keywords:  truth, knowledge, distortion

Today’s post describes the greatest and most difficult problem that human beings deal with.  We tell our children to tell the truth (at least to tell the truth when parents want to know it), but in general human beings distort the truth many times a day and usually prefer it this way.  If we truly believe that having accurate information leads us to make better decisions and choices, as well as improving our relationships with others, then we must reduce our distortions.  Many interactional and relationship problems are based in these distortions and in the lies that result, so tremendous improvement in our relationships is possible if we could “tell the truth” (refrain from distorting for personal advantage) more with others.

“The truth” about something is the statement that most accurately and completely describes reality regarding whatever the topic is.  Other statements may be possible, but they are less accurate and less complete and therefore are not as “true.”  We distort the truth when we choose to believe or state something that is not the most accurate and complete description of reality.  We lie when we claim or state that a distortion of the truth is the truth, when we know or could readily know better.  (Many times people convince themselves that they are sincere in their distortions, but if they are asked to carefully reconsider, they can often admit that what they are asserting may not be true at all.)

Much of what we say to each other and to ourselves is distorted.  We lie to ourselves and each other in this way in order to feel better or to preserve relationships that could be threatened by differences of understanding.  To a great extent, we choose our beliefs, and we choose beliefs that we like, that feel better to us, or that support or justify our behavior (as long as the beliefs are not contrary to reality evidence that we cannot ignore or deny).  Our societal life depends on a certain amount of uniform beliefs among all members, about reality and how to organize ourselves (about the form of government, about how people should treat each other, etc.), and a considerable amount of our energy goes into trying to get others to believe as we do about these matters.

We are good at distorting both our beliefs and our emotions.  We can pick and choose which “facts” to take into account in constructing a belief (the existence of God; the “wonderfulness” of our mate or child; which candidate we vote for), and we learn in early childhood to distort our emotions in order not to be punished by our parents and in order not to feel so much pain (from rejection, fear, loneliness, etc.).  Most of us are quite unaware of our distorting, but if we establish an independent “observer” within us that can take an honest look at what we are doing, we can usually perceive both belief distortions and emotional distortions.

One could argue that as long as distorting makes us or others feel better, it’s OK to distort the truth, but since these distortions cause us to make at least some serious errors in life, it’s worth considering whether we would be better off sticking more to the truth and trying our best to find the truth.  Errors that can arise from distortions are, for example, choosing the wrong career because we lie to ourselves in order to justify choosing the one that will please our parents; choosing the wrong mate by rationalizing all of the faults of a potential mate, in order to avoid the anxieties of continuing to look for one who fits us better; and choosing the wrong job by picking one with a boss who has the same serious faults as our parents, because we have lied to ourselves about those faults in our parents for so long that we no longer actually see them.  Harm that arises from our lying occurs from misleading others into doing things that are not in their best interest (buying what we are selling, agreeing to do something that they could readily know they will not enjoy, etc.) and from the damage we do to our relationships, since people usually figure out over time that we tend to lie and that what follows will not work out well for them.

Seeing reality clearly requires, then, that we tolerate and become relatively comfortable with even those truths that are unpleasant—seeing our parents’ faults (but coming to understand them and not allow them to harm us further); getting tested for cancer even though we are deathly afraid of what we might find out; and living a moral life even though we might like to do some immoral things (not necessarily because living a moral life is the “right” thing to do but to avoid the harm to ourselves and others of our immoral acts).

The key to choosing to seek and live with the truth is to believe that our lives will be better if we do than they will be if we continue to distort and lie to ourselves and others.  If we really believe that we can get more in life by lying, then we will continue to lie, regardless of how we evaluate this behavior.  Many people grow up in families that lie (distort for personal advantage) constantly to each other, either directly or in terms of assumed and unquestionable beliefs, and they may not realize that there is any other way to live.

To reduce distorting, see reality more clearly, and find how to live comfortably with the truth, there are several simple, daily actions that will eventually achieve those goals, if practiced with reasonable diligence:

(1) examine everything with your “independent observer”;

(2) question everything, even your own most cherished beliefs; 

     recognize that what you have been taught is not necessarily true or right

     (and that each individual and each group has its own version of "truth");

(3) seek more accurate knowledge about yourself, others, and the

     world;

(4) leave open the questions that you cannot settle without

     making unwarranted assumptions or distorting;

(5) work on accepting the truths that you do not like and

     finding ways to live comfortably with those truths;

(6) get used to being different from your neighbors, because

     most other people don’t want to have their distortions

     questioned;

(7) find at least one other person who also wants to seek the

     truth, for support and mutual help in the quest;

(8) realize that just because you know more of the truth than

     your neighbors, you don’t have to tell them how they are

     distorting (or ignorant); seek the right moments if you want

     to share what you have figured out;

(9) be open to continued discovery; what you think is the truth

     may be only another step in the process of discovery!

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