Contentment

CONTENTMENT

Christopher Ebbe, Ph.D.  6-11

ABSTRACT:  Contentment is little sought by people in modern societies, but it can be a key determinant of quality of life.  Ways of seeking and increasing contentment are described.

KEY WORDS:  contentment, quality of life

In modern societies few people pursue or aspire to contentment, perhaps because it seems anachronistic and out of sync with modern life, which is filled with stimuli that compete for our attention, many offering immediate pleasure.  Pleasure seems so available, through entertainment, consumer goods, and internet-based activities that something as old-fashioned as contentment seems quite unnecessary, yet most of us still relate with some yearning to images of contentment—the old men in rocking chairs swapping stories on the porch of a home or country store, the cleaning person who is truly happy with what she has, or the serene expression of a saint or guru who is living a life based on the longer-term and hard-won pleasures of the spirit.  

Most people have no direct experience with contentment or with anyone who is basically content and do not know what is needed in order to feel contentment.  Most people imagine relatively enduring contentment to be like feeling constantly satisfied—i.e., feeling satisfaction with every new stimulation and accomplishment, but this would require the almost impossible scenario of everything going right in one’s life, and this would not be contentment anyway, since satisfaction occurs only after goal-related effort and soon fades, while contentment is a state of lack of pressing desire which can be prolonged or even lasting.  Webster’s Ninth New World Dictionary defines “contentment” as the state of feeling or manifesting satisfaction with one’s possessions, status, or situation, but this implies that contentment is the same as satisfaction, and I suggest that there is a meaningful and useful view of contentment that is qualitatively different from satisfaction.  Although one’s contentment will inevitably be challenged by life’s “problems,” and although one may certainly at times be content only with certain elements of one’s life and not with one’s life in general, I suggest that a general and enduring sense of contentment is possible and might be chosen over other lifestyle alternatives.

It will be helpful to clearly differentiate contentment from satisfaction and fulfillment, with which it is often confused.  Satisfaction is felt when a need is sufficiently met or a desire sufficiently fulfilled or when we judge that we have done what we needed to do to reach a goal (a small-step goal or a final goal), and we are pleased with our efforts and/or with the outcome.  We feel satisfied if we access and eat food that pleases us.  We may feel satisfied with being fed, regardless of the food, if our goal was to be pleasing enough for the preparer of the food to want to feed us.  We are satisfied with our jobs when we have gotten a job in which our work results in reaching the goals we had for being in a job, in terms of pay, interactions with others, working environment, quality of management, or other goals. 

Satisfaction or dissatisfaction can be attached to every new need, desire, or effort, and satisfaction is often short-lived (having our hunger satisfied, being satisfied with a memo we are writing or a painting we are doing).  One can be satisfied with one’s life as it is right now (i.e., satisfied with one’s need state and with one’s efforts and results in life up to this point) but still be engaged in strongly motivated efforts to have more or to be more, whereas if one is content with one’s life, there are no pressing desires or needs that demand one’s focus.

Fulfillment is felt when we have reached a goal by using aspects of our "real selves" (abilities, capacities, knowledge, talents) honestly and sincerely (as contrasted with pretending to be other than we are or to believe or feel other than we actually believe or feel).  We may feel fulfilled when we see our children thriving and consider our contributions to their growth.  We may feel fulfilled when we reflect on a career in which we have given to others using meaningful aspects of ourselves in creating results that are consistent with our values.  We would not feel fulfilled, on the other hand, if we obtained a reward by pretending to have done something that we in fact did not do (even if we appreciated and enjoyed the reward).

Contentment, on the other hand, is a positive emotional state that is based in feeling that we have enough or that we are sufficient, according to our own standards or expectations.  Since the contented person has enough (of material goods) or “is” enough (views self as acceptable, adequate, etc.), he has no pressing need to have more or to be more.  It is basically an emotional state of rest, in which there is no business that must be finished and no inner doubts or conflicts that must be resolved.  Contentment is probably never constant, because changes around us will inevitably occur that will require focus and effort toward regaining a status or condition that we like, but contentment could be the usual emotional state for some or even many people.  We can be dissatisfied with some elements of life (being hungry, for example) and still be contented in general (and this is perhaps the most that we can realistically hope for in this life).  (It might appear that religious mystics or ascetics go further toward contentment than anyone else, but if they are still trying to reach higher spiritual states, then they may not be content!)

It may be useful also to differentiate contentment from serenity, which is a state but not a feeling.  Contentment is a pleasant feeling that occurs when we have no pressing needs or discontents, while serenity is a state in which one “flows” through life untroubled.  The untroubled state is similar in both.  However, we “feel” contented when we are in a state of contentment, whereas we “are” serene and may view ourselves as serene, but we do not “feel” serene or “feel” serenity.

A feeling of well-being may be present along with contentment but probably only if one has all or most of one’s needs satisfied (according to what one has chosen to be satisfied with).  A person may be content even if some significant needs and desires are not satisfied or met.

Satisfaction is felt after goal-related effort that has succeeded (or goal-related effort that one is satisfied with), but it usually does not last long, whereas contentment can be a relatively enduring state if cultivated.  We feel fulfillment when we are pleased with having used our true selves to accomplish valued goals, while contentment, again, is not based in achievement but in having no pressing needs to accomplish or change.  Serenity is untroubled, similar to contentment, but serenity is a state and not a feeling.  Well-being is a positive feeling arising to varying degrees from one’s life being as it “should be” or as one wants it to be.

Contentment has the following defining elements and necessary conditions:  a positive emotional state; equilibrium (a relatively steady state emotionally); feeling that what we have is “enough” (and not being troubled by desires); relative lack of concern about personal shame, guilt, or inadequacy; and standards and expectations of self that have been met and are therefore not a source of discontent or dissatisfaction.

Equilibrium

As noted above, contentment is an emotional state of rest, in which there is no business that must be finished and no inner doubts or conflicts that must be resolved.  There are no desires or motives strong enough to push us “off center” into an emotional state where striving and dissatisfaction dominate.  A person who is generally content can live, most of the time at least, in this balanced, centered state of emotional equilibrium, even though external concerns will arise that will have to be handled, hopefully in a manner that allows the preservation of one’s equilibrium.  This will usually require viewing external concerns and stresses as passing and tolerable, so that even though they may call for action, this action can be taken without stress, and one’s equilibrium can be preserved.  (This untroubled emotional equilibrium is the key defining factor of serenity.)

External threats, both environmental threats and those created

by others, are viewed by the contented person as ultimately not catastrophic and not worth being disturbed about, even if one chooses to act to do something about them.  In order to do this, you must have developed confidence in your ability to cope adequately with these threats.  You must believe that you can overcome most environmental dangers, and you must be able to accept threats from others as inevitable and respond in ways that calmly give the greatest chance of peaceful resolution.  This confidence goes hand in hand with the confident acceptance of the fact that, even if you cannot take care of a threat (and even if you should lose your life as a result), you will have done the best you can and will have done well according to your own internal standards and expectations (which is all any of us can ever do).  Ultimately, one is satisfied with and content with doing one’s best, regardless of the outcome.

Feeling That What We Have Is “Enough” (and Not Being Troubled by Desires)

Modern consumer societies require consumption desire on the part of citizens in order to maintain production and exchange of goods.  Now that basic needs are routinely satisfied for persons in “advanced” societies, business has turned to a focus on selling stimulation and pleasure, in food and drink, entertainment, and the purchase of status.  The lure of such pleasures is sufficient to keep most people consuming and to keep them from ever feeling contented.  The capitalist ethos therefore acts against the achievement of enduring contentment.  By harnessing personal gain as motivation, capitalism has created great wealth and has increased general physical well-being, but the undermining and minimization of contentment is a notable loss for citizens.  If people were asked to choose between enduring contentment and a life of perpetual, recurring desires, some met and some unmet, a sizable proportion of us might well choose contentment (at least if it did not mean a clearly undesirable standard of living).

Contentment does not necessitate a low standard of living but simply asks that we not be particularly concerned about it, beyond having “enough.”  People who are basically content can still see the necessity of working for their bread and shelter and can do this work with equanimity and without undue concern.  Society-wide contentment would imply somewhat less consumer spending overall and also a lack of long-term ambition for status, so people who were content would not do extra striving in order to continue to “rise” in the socioeconomic hierarchy (even though they might still seek to fill positions that they considered important for the general welfare, in order to contribute).  (They would also not be harming others by trying to best or defeat them in order to “get ahead.”)

The question of what is “enough” is clearly central to being content.  Most human beings take what others around them have or do to be their standard for what is “enough,” without really considering the question for themselves.  To be content in a culture of consumption, you must decide for yourself how you want your life to be balanced between getting things, consuming them, and other aspects of life.  Those in modern society who are content would allot less time to getting more things and consuming them and more time to other pleasures (such as face-to-face interactions with others, play that does not require expensive equipment, long-term goals, fulfillment, serenity, etc.).  If you think about it, you will find that a good deal of what you have is not essential for having a good life.  Having five good friends might be just as satisfying as having ten; standard TV’s might be just as good as flat-screens for entertainment; you can have a happy life in a 1500 square foot house; a lesser car will get you to your destination, too; and infants don’t really need designer jeans or diapers (as long as you are content not to compete for status with the neighbors).

People who are content are also less concerned about desires and needs that might arise but that are not or cannot be fulfilled or met.  People who are content will certainly have needs, but as long as essential needs are met, they view others as optional—i.e., if they can be met, fine, but if they cannot, it is not a source of concern or dissatisfaction.  People who are content might say that it would be nice to have a particular object or a particular entertainment, but they would not say that they “have to have it,” and they would not be upset if their neighbors had it but they did not.  Also, if fulfilling a desire or meeting a non-essential need would require losing the basic feeling of contentment, they might well choose to stay content.

Contentment may conjure up an image of mainly just sitting or doing nothing, but this is simply the false contrast in our minds with our current activity level.  A person can be content and still look forward to and enjoy a fishing trip or a friendly competition or writing a book.  A person can be content and still work long hours serving others.  The definitional key is that one is not “driven” to do these things or prove something but does them for their own pleasures and rewards.

Making a choice for contentment while those around us are consuming as much as possible is difficult, since we have evolved as a species to conform and to act like those around us act, and if we act differently or demonstrate different values from those around us, they look on us as odd or even as a threat (since their choice to consume is usually not really a choice—they are simply doing what everyone around them is doing).  Also, if we choose contentment over consumption, we must find the results to actually be worthwhile, and it takes some time to fully realize and understand the benefits of contentment, which may mean holding onto the choice for contentment initially while being tempted by immediate pleasures and seeing others having those pleasures.  Usually, though, the choice to seek greater contentment is made after one has become jaded and discontented with consumption and its immediate pleasures.

We should consider whether our society could continue to produce everything that we consider important if a large number of people were to choose to be more content and less acquisitive.  For example, it is possible that with less economic activity in general, some productive activities, such as medical research, might be curtailed, and the total amount of medical care available might be lessened, since there might not be enough money to maintain them at their current levels.  Then if you believe that maximum medical research is essential for a good life, the responsible thing to do is not to choose contentment.  Serious consideration, however, might lead you to conclude that continuing to extend your life by a few months and a few months more is not very important, and that you might even be satisfied with the level of medical care that was available fifty years ago, which would mean a slightly smaller life span expectation and somewhat fewer treatments for some diseases.  It is even easier to accept with equanimity the current level of medical care together with slower future progress in research, since what we have currently always seems better than what we had in the past!

The above is a truly critical point regarding human beings and “progress.”  We may have perfectly good reasons for wanting ever better medical care, and we will always be motivated to find ways to have less pain (and more pleasure), but we do not have to have them in order to be happy, satisfied, content, or fulfilled.  We can have “good” lives without more “progress.”  It is the false assumption that every wish or desire “should” be met that keeps us from considering the alternative.

Relative Lack of Concern About Personal Shame, Guilt, or Inadequacy

In order to be content, it is important not to have self-criticism or other inner discontents disturbing one’s equanimity.  The major feelings that must be managed are shame, guilt, poor self-esteem, and inadequacy. 

You must grow emotionally and cognitively to the point where (1) you are little affected by others’ efforts to shame you, because you evaluate for yourself whether to be ashamed, rather than feeling shamed simply because someone else is trying to shame you, and (2) you manage your behavior so that you do not do things that you will be ashamed of.

You must grow emotionally and cognitively to the point where (1) you manage your behavior in such a way that you do not do things that you will feel guilty about, and (2) you manage your unanticipated guilt by working through the process of forgiving yourself (which includes having the integrity to not act in that guilt-producing way again).  (See the chapter on acceptance in my book How To Feel Good About Yourself:  12 Steps to Positive Self-Esteem (available through the internet) for steps in forgiving yourself.)

Feeling inadequate, feeling bad about being who you are, and feeling that you are not good enough are all aspects of negative self-esteem and are things that will undermine contentment.  Positive self-esteem (feeling positively about yourself most of the time, without excessive inner conflict and self-criticism) makes your daily experience of living so much better, by giving you a positive outlook in general and by releasing all of your energies for use in goal-attainment.  The methods of cultivating self-esteem are simple (see the book above), but they require considerable inner work on self-acceptance, self-respect, and self-love, as well as on taking control of your standards and expectations for yourself.

Standards and Expectations of Self that Have Been Met and Are Therefore Not a Source of Discontent or Dissatisfaction

Perhaps the greatest enemy of contentment (and of self-esteem as well) is holding standards and expectations for yourself that you are not meeting because they are impossible or inappropriate standards or expectations (such as parents expecting a child of moderate intellectual capacity to be a high academic achiever).  Usually these are standards and expectations that others (usually parents) have held for you and that you have taken on as obligations.  Clearly, if they are impossible or inappropriate for you, then you will always be troubled by self-doubt and poor self-esteem, and this will make overall contentment almost impossible.  The answer to this is to examine each of your expectations and standards for yourself and decide whether you really agree with it or whether you disagree with it and do not wish to hold yourself to it any longer, given who you are and given who initially tried to hold you to this standard or expectation.  Rejecting inappropriate standards can be frightening, since it may mean disappointing whoever set up the standard in the first place, but freeing yourself from standards and expectations that will keep you internally distressed for the rest of your life will be well worth it.

A person who has appropriate and humane standards and expectations of self can be content, because she is succeeding in life, according to the only standards that matter (her own) and because she is not troubled by feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and painful self-esteem.

A question worth considering is whether a person could be failing or unable to accomplish things important to her and still be content.  This would be possible if the failures and lack of achievement were with regard to things that the person knew in advance were likely to be impossible but that were felt to be worth working at anyway.  The expectation for these efforts would be doing one’s best, regardless of outcome.  An example might be working for desired social change, which an individual is unlikely to be able to effect alone but which each of us can work toward, believing that ultimately it can be achieved by working together.

Summary

Being more content in one’s life is a personal choice but one which in our society requires being different from others who are living lives of striving, stimulation, and pleasure.  Feeling relatively enduringly content in your life is possible and means basically not feeling pressure from needs, desires, and dissatisfactions.  Contentment is enhanced by developing greater emotional equilibrium and therefore becoming more centered and serene; by redefining your standards so that you feel that what you have is “enough” and that who you are is “enough;” by becoming better able to manage shame, guilt, inadequacy, and other negative feelings about yourself; by refining your standards and expectation of yourself so that you are truly OK with yourself; and by being confident in and satisfied with the results when you do your best and are truly yourself, regardless of the outcomes.

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